What to Do — and Not Do — When Someone You Love Has an Eating Disorder

Discovering that someone you care about is struggling with an eating disorder can be deeply distressing. You may feel a mixture of fear, confusion, helplessness, and urgency. You want to help—but you’re not sure how. You may also fear saying the wrong thing or unintentionally making things worse.

The truth is, your support matters—more than you know. While you can’t fix the eating disorder, you can play a critical role in your loved one’s healing by offering compassionate, informed, and consistent support.

This guide offers practical insights into what to do—and not do—when supporting someone with an eating disorder, whether they are a child, sibling, partner, or friend.

✅ What to Do

1. Educate Yourself

Understanding the complex, medical, and psychological nature of eating disorders is key to becoming a supportive ally. These conditions are not about vanity, choice, or attention—they are serious mental illnesses with biological, emotional, and social roots.

Learn about:

• Types of eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia, BED, ARFID, etc.)

• Common symptoms and medical risks

• The recovery process (which is often non-linear)

• Evidence-based treatments

Resources: National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), F.E.A.S.T., and books like Brave Girl Eating or Eating in the Light of the Moon

2. Be a Safe and Nonjudgmental Presence

One of the most powerful things you can offer is unconditional emotional support.

Helpful phrases include:

• “I’m here for you, no matter what.”

• “You don’t have to go through this alone.”

• “It’s okay to struggle, and I won’t judge you.”

Avoid jumping to advice or solutions. Listening—really listening—is one of the best gifts you can give.

3. Encourage Professional Help

Eating disorders require medical, nutritional, and psychological treatment. While your support is vital, you cannot replace a trained provider.

Encourage your loved one to:

• See a physician for a medical evaluation

• Get a referral to a therapist or eating disorder specialist

• Attend a treatment program if needed

You might say:

“I care about you so much, and I think it would help to talk to someone who really understands eating disorders.”

4. Be Supportive at Mealtimes

If your loved one is working on normalizing eating:

• Offer to sit with them during meals without judgment

• Keep conversation neutral and supportive

• Avoid talking about food, weight, or appearance

Mealtimes can be emotionally intense—your presence and steadiness can make all the difference.

5. Take Care of Yourself

Supporting someone with an eating disorder can be emotionally exhausting. You may feel guilt, frustration, or fear. It’s essential to:

• Set boundaries where needed

• Seek your own support (e.g., therapy, support groups)

• Remember that you didn’t cause the eating disorder—and you can’t fix it alone

❌ What Not to Do

1. Don’t Comment on Their Weight or Appearance

Even well-meaning compliments like “You look healthy” or “You’ve gained weight and look better” can be triggering. Eating disorders distort body image, and any focus on appearance can fuel distress.

Avoid:

• “You look great!” (even if you mean well)

• “You don’t look like you have an eating disorder”

• “You’re so thin—I wish I had your willpower”

Instead, focus on who they are, not how they look.

2. Don’t Monitor or Police Their Eating

Unless you're part of a structured treatment approach (like Family-Based Therapy), avoid commenting on what or how much they eat.

Avoid:

• “Are you sure that’s enough?”

• “Do you really need seconds?”

• “You shouldn’t eat that if you’re trying to get better”

Food is often tied to shame and control in eating disorders. Instead of policing, support them in getting professional help and show compassion.

3. Don’t Minimize Their Struggle

Avoid phrases like:

• “Just eat”

• “There are people who have it worse”

• “You’re doing this for attention”

• “It’s just a phase”

These statements invalidate the real suffering that comes with eating disorders. Believe them, even if you don’t fully understand.

4. Don’t Make It About You

It’s okay to be affected, but avoid framing the conversation in ways that pressure them to “get better” for your comfort.

Avoid:

• “You’re making us all worry”

• “How could you do this to me?”

• “You’re ruining the family dynamic”

These comments can lead to guilt, shame, and secrecy. Instead, emphasize your care for them, not your need for control.

5. Don’t Assume Recovery Is Linear

Recovery is a journey with ups and downs. Your loved one may relapse, have difficult days, or resist help. This doesn’t mean they’re not trying—it means they’re human.

Be patient. Stay steady. Celebrate progress, however small.

Final Thoughts

When someone you love has an eating disorder, it’s natural to want to help, fix, or make it go away. But recovery is a process that takes time, care, and professional support. The best thing you can do is show up, stay connected, and be a steady source of empathy and encouragement.

Your love won’t cure their eating disorder—but it can help them feel seen, supported, and less alone. And that matters.

Suggested Resources

• National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) – nationaleatingdisorders.org

• F.E.A.S.T. (Families Empowered and Supporting Treatment of Eating Disorders) – feast-ed.org

• The Body Is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor

• Help Your Teenager Beat an Eating Disorder by Lock & Le Grange

• Eating Disorders Anonymous – eatingdisordersanonymous.org