Basic Communication Skills for Families of Someone with an Eating Disorder
Supportive Conversations That Promote Connection and Recovery
When someone you love is struggling with an eating disorder, it can feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You may worry that saying the wrong thing could make things worse—or feel helpless trying to offer comfort when nothing seems to get through.
The truth is, how you communicate matters—a lot. While you can’t "fix" the eating disorder with words alone, effective communication can help reduce shame, increase trust, and make recovery feel safer.
This guide offers basic communication skills for families navigating the challenges of eating disorders—centered on empathy, boundaries, and connection.
1. Listen to Understand, Not to Fix
Why it matters: Eating disorders often involve feelings of isolation and shame. Being truly heard can offer deep relief.
What to try:
Use open-ended questions: “How are you feeling today?” rather than “Did you eat?”
Reflect what you hear: “It sounds like today was really overwhelming.”
Allow space for silence or emotion without trying to solve it right away.
Avoid:
Offering quick solutions: “Just eat” or “You look fine.”
Minimizing: “Everyone feels that way sometimes.”
2. Use “I” Statements Instead of “You” Statements
Why it matters: "You" statements can sound blaming or accusatory, triggering defensiveness.
What to try:
“I feel worried when I see you struggling.”
“I want to understand more about what you’re going through.”
“I care about you and want to support you, even when I don’t fully understand.”
Avoid:
“You’re not trying hard enough.”
“You’re making this difficult for everyone.”
3. Avoid Talking About Weight, Food, or Appearance
Why it matters: Comments about food or appearance—even positive ones—can reinforce eating disorder thoughts or cause distress.
What to try:
Focus on how your loved one is feeling, not how they look.
Compliment character, effort, or resilience: “I admire how brave you were today.”
Let meals be about connection, not control.
Avoid:
“You’re looking better!” (This may be interpreted as “You’ve gained weight.”)
“That’s a lot/little to eat.”
“You look so healthy now.”
4. Validate Emotions, Even When You Don’t Understand
Why it matters: Validation helps your loved one feel less alone and more understood, even when their behaviors seem confusing.
What to try:
“I can see that this is really painful for you.”
“It makes sense that you’re feeling scared right now.”
“You don’t have to go through this alone.”
Avoid:
“But you have nothing to worry about.”
“You’re being irrational.”
“You know that’s not true.” (Even if it’s factually correct, it may invalidate their feelings.)
5. Set Boundaries with Compassion
Why it matters: Supporting someone doesn’t mean sacrificing your own emotional well-being. Healthy boundaries help everyone.
What to try:
“I want to be here for you, and I also need to take care of myself.”
“I’m not comfortable discussing calories or weight. Can we talk about something else?”
“I’ll always love you, even when I can’t agree with the eating disorder’s rules.”
Avoid:
Enabling harmful behaviors out of fear.
Withdrawing emotionally or becoming controlling.
6. Stay Curious, Not Critical
Why it matters: You may not understand the eating disorder—but showing curiosity builds trust.
What to try:
“Can you help me understand what that experience is like for you?”
“What’s something I do that’s helpful—or unhelpful—when you’re struggling?”
“What’s one way I can support you this week?”
Avoid:
“Why can’t you just eat like a normal person?”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
7. Practice Patience and Consistency
Why it matters: Recovery is not linear. Your consistency offers stability in a world that feels chaotic to your loved one.
What to try:
Keep showing up, even when progress is slow.
Celebrate non-scale wins: honesty, showing up to therapy, using a coping skill.
Remind them: “You’re not alone, even on the hard days.”
Final Thought
You don’t have to say the perfect thing. You don’t need to fully understand the eating disorder to be a healing presence. What matters most is showing up with empathy, openness, and love—again and again.
Your words can’t cure the illness. But they can remind your loved one that they are more than their disorder, and that they are worthy of support, just as they are.
Recommended Resources
Books:
Brave Girl Eating by Harriet Brown
Help Your Teenager Beat an Eating Disorder by James Lock & Daniel Le Grange
The Parent’s Guide to Eating Disorders by Marcia Herrin & Nancy Matsumoto
Websites:
