Patterns of Secretiveness in Eating Disorders: Why They Happen & How to Break Free

Understanding the Hidden Nature of Eating Disorders and the Path Toward Openness and Healing

One of the most defining—yet often misunderstood—features of eating disorders is secretiveness. Whether it's hiding food, lying about eating, exercising in private, or avoiding conversations about distress, secrecy becomes a powerful force that keeps the eating disorder alive.

But secrecy in eating disorders is not simply about deception or denial. It is often about protection—of identity, safety, control, and shame. Understanding the psychological roots of secretiveness is key to both compassionate treatment and lasting recovery.

This post explores why secrecy develops in eating disorders, the consequences it brings, and how individuals can begin to shift from secrecy to truth, from hiding to connection.

Why Secretiveness Is So Common in Eating Disorders

1. Shame and Stigma

Shame says, “If people knew the truth, they would reject me.”
For many individuals, the behaviors associated with eating disorders (bingeing, purging, overexercising, calorie counting, extreme rituals) feel humiliating or “out of control.” The fear of being judged—by peers, providers, or even loved ones—can lead to silence and concealment.

“If they saw how I really ate, they’d think I was disgusting.”

2. Fear of Losing Control

Disclosing an eating disorder often means inviting intervention. This can feel threatening if the eating disorder is functioning as a coping mechanism for deeper emotional pain.

• Fear of being forced to eat

• Fear of treatment or hospitalization

• Fear of change or the unknown

• Fear of losing the only source of control

In this sense, secrecy protects the disorder, even when it harms the individual.

3. Perfectionism and Image Maintenance

People with eating disorders often have high standards for themselves. They may be seen as the “disciplined one,” “the achiever,” or “the one who has it all together.” Admitting to struggles or vulnerability can feel like failure.

This is especially true for adolescents and adults in high-performance environments or roles where appearance and control are closely tied to identity.

4. Dissociation or Denial

Not all secrecy is intentional. Some individuals disconnect from their behaviors as a way to cope with overwhelming emotion or trauma. They may:

• “Black out” during binge episodes

• Compartmentalize disordered behaviors from daily life

• Truly believe they are “not sick enough” to warrant concern

This unconscious secrecy can make it harder for individuals—and their loved ones—to recognize the severity of the disorder.

Common Forms of Secretive Behavior in Eating Disorders

• Hiding food wrappers, laxatives, or exercise habits

• Lying about meals eaten (“I ate earlier”)

• Wearing oversized clothing to mask weight changes

• Eating in isolation or bingeing late at night

• Denying or minimizing symptoms during medical visits

• Avoiding social events involving food

• Obsessively tracking food or body metrics in private

These behaviors often reinforce a double life—one seen by others and one ruled by the disorder.

Consequences of Secrecy

While secrecy may feel protective in the short term, it can have serious long-term consequences:

• Delayed diagnosis and treatment

• Increased physical risk (especially with purging, restriction, or overexercise)

• Intensified feelings of isolation, guilt, and unworthiness

• Erosion of trust in relationships

• Reinforcement of shame-based beliefs (“If they knew, they wouldn’t love me”)

Recovery becomes harder when no one knows what is really happening—including the individual themselves.

How to Begin Breaking Free from Secrecy

1. Recognize That Secrecy Serves a Function

Start with compassion. Secrecy is not weakness—it’s a protective strategy that once made sense. Ask:

• What am I protecting myself from?

• What am I afraid will happen if I tell the truth?

• What do I need in order to feel safe enough to share?

Identifying the function of secrecy is the first step to changing it.

2. Start Small With Safe People

You don’t have to share everything all at once. Begin by:

• Naming the feeling (“I feel afraid to talk about this”)

• Choosing one behavior to bring into the light

• Confiding in a trusted therapist, parent, friend, or support group

Even one moment of honesty can crack the door open to freedom.

3. Use Externalization Techniques

In therapy, externalizing the eating disorder (e.g., calling it “ED” or “the voice”) can help individuals separate their true self from the secretive behaviors.

Try writing or saying:

“The eating disorder tells me to hide. But I want to connect.”

This builds insight and creates internal space for self-compassion and choice.

4. Practice Transparency in Safe Contexts

• Be honest at doctor appointments, even if it’s scary

• Bring someone with you to meals as support

• Share parts of your story with people who will hold it with care

Truth-telling is a practice—not a single event. With each honest moment, shame loosens its grip.

5. Rebuild Trust—With Yourself and Others

Recovery involves relearning how to trust yourself, your body, and the people around you. It’s okay if you’ve lied or hidden things in the past. What matters is choosing, now, to move toward connection.

That may mean:

• Making amends in relationships

• Repairing the inner relationship with your body

• Letting others show you that you are still worthy, even in your messiest moments

Support for Breaking Secrecy

• Therapy modalities that support emotional honesty:

  • Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT)

  • Internal Family Systems (IFS)

  • Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

  • Narrative Therapy

• Support groups (like those from ANAD, NEDA, or local clinics) can help individuals practice speaking their truth in community.

• Journaling or letter-writing can be a gentle starting point for naming the secrets held in silence.

Final Thought

Secrecy is a symptom of pain—not a measure of character. In fact, the secrecy of eating disorders is often what makes them so lonely, so misunderstood, and so persistent.

But recovery invites a different path. One where your story is not a secret, but a testimony. One where your truth doesn’t scare people away—but brings the right ones closer. One where your voice becomes stronger than your silence.

You are allowed to stop hiding. You are allowed to be seen.

And in doing so, you may discover that connection—not control—is the foundation of true healing.

References

• Geller, J., & Srikameswaran, S. (2006). Recovery from anorexia nervosa: A qualitative study of motivation and maintenance. Psychiatry, 69(3), 251–267.

• Lock, J., & Le Grange, D. (2013). Treatment Manual for Anorexia Nervosa: A Family-Based Approach. Guilford Press.

• Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.

• Brewerton, T. D. (2007). Co-occurring eating and substance use disorders. Eating Disorders, 15(4), 333–356.

• Federici, A., & Kaplan, A. S. (2008). The patient's account of relapse and recovery in anorexia nervosa: A qualitative study. European Eating Disorders Review, 16(1), 1–10.